Pregnant and Alone
The fantasy: Discovering you are pregnant, excitedly revealing the news to your husband and eventually your family and close friends, then having your loving spouse massage your feet and fulfill your midnight cravings. This is a scenario that populates many a woman’s dreams. There may even be a little romanticizing and forgetting the true pains and massive weight gains that come along with all the joy.
But, what if you’re one of the 41% of expecting women, according to the CDC, who are unmarried or without a partner? Or maybe you’re married or even in a committed relationship, but your husband’s lack of enthusiasm and involvement makes you feel like you’re doing this on your own?
You are not alone. In fact, I share this story. I’m 37, single, and pregnant. Although I did freeze my eggs last year, this baby isn’t the result of one of those embryos. After nine months of living together, my boyfriend and I decided to split up. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant!
I have always wanted to be a mom. And while the situation was anything but ideal, I knew that this was my time, and I couldn’t wait to throw myself feet first into it (as is my MO in everything), thrilled to experience all the highs, lows, and crazy emotions that came with nurturing a life within my body.
Despite the fears, incessant nausea, excitement, and other conflicting emotions, I was instantly awash with a feeling of knowing, calm, and confidence unlike anything I had ever experienced. My priorities shifted overnight, from pushing myself in all areas: work/fitness/lifestyle… to a balance-seeking mom-to-be whose baby has an impact on every choice and decision.
Within weeks, I moved from my four-blocks-from-the-beach cottage with impossible parking and little living space, to a house in Mar Vista with a driveway and backyard. While my career as a freelancer was often lucrative, month-to-month income was inconsistent, and, as a mom, consistency was key. So, I started looking for salaried employment that I knew I could depend on.
It quickly became very apparent to me that responsibility as a parent does not start the day the baby is born, but the day you find out you’re going to have a baby.
Once my headspace, and much of my life, shifted, a new awareness unfolded in front of me. Though I did live alone with no one to rub my feet, to fulfill my bizarre cravings for meatballs, or to tell me that everything was going to be ok during those many sleepless nights plagued with worry, I was encircled by an amazing community of friends and family. Many of these supporters had previously just been acquaintances, and now were there to support, love, and nurture me. And, for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to be taken care of. Because you know what? I couldn’t “do it myself.” As much as my life up until then had been driven by that exact mantra, I had to accept and also ask for help.
Allowing other women to be there and do for me at first felt foreign. My knee jerk was to say, “No it’s ok, I’m fine.” But, I found that so much of my energy was being pumped into growing this baby that I honestly didn’t have it in me to continue to be so fortified all the time. And, it was refreshing, almost liberating not to have to be.
That doesn’t mean that pregnancy has been easy. It hasn’t. I spent much of the first trimester lounging in bed and watching TV, so exhausted, physically and emotionally, that doing much else sapped me of all residual energy. I cried a lot, was nauseous 24/7, slightly freaked out when the number on the scale started to leap up, and honestly felt sad and bad for myself that I had no one to share this time with. This was the time that I had fantasized in my mind as being beautiful, romantic, loving, and sweet. It has been hard reading books and articles that mention how important the husband’s role is when it comes to anything, from being a sounding board to lifting heavy things, and hundreds of little daily needs in between. But, life isn’t always what you thought it would or should be. Life is what you make of what it turns out to be and finding the beauty and bliss within it.
“Not Your Mama’s Pregnancy” is my new monthly column about the reality of pregnancy—the pains, gains, fears, firsts and thrills. It’s not just for single pregnant women, but all pregnant women, and, in fact, all women in general. I’ll talk about fitness, beauty, style, travel, nursery needs, and mom-to-be must haves.
But, more than anything else, this column is about how to be a strong, empowered woman! As a lifestyle coach, I have had so many clients who ended up not having children because they “didn’t want to,” but really it was because they weren’t in the ideal relationship and didn’t think they could do it on their own. And that’s truly a devastating thing. These are women who have done everything else on their own, but were imprisoned by the societal expectation that having a child requires a husband. But, that is no longer the truth. Sure, you might want a man. But you don’t need a man. What you do need, however, is a community of friends and family who fortify you when you’re weak and celebrate with you when you feel that first flutter of a kick. Because you are never alone when you are going from “me to we.”
