“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” —Anonymous (often attributed to Gautama Buddha)
Seeing red, spitting bullets, going ballistic, seething, fuming, burning. Anger is hot, sharp, and dramatic. For me, anger arrives with the distinct sensation of tense heat rising—sometimes swelling, sometimes shooting—up through my belly into my chest, throat, and jaw. When I get angry, the feeling has a way of eclipsing everything else that exists in the moment, as if there is nothing else but the sensation of anger. In those moments, I find myself saying, “I am so angry I can’t see straight.”
All yogis aspire to being peaceful, loving, compassionate people; yet anger is a part of the human condition. Contrary to all the quotes and idioms about this emotional state, anger in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. How we handle anger makes all the difference in neutralizing its potential toxicity and allowing it to become an agent of transformation and enlightenment.
Here are five steps to soften your anger:
1. Sit with It
The combination of egoic attachment and impulse control often has us assign false urgency to situations that raise our anger. Taking a moment of stillness—sitting in our strong emotions—allows us the opportunity to become more comfortable with the discomfort of anger. It can also halt the escalation of conflict that tends to result from emotional reaction rather than intentional action.
2. Unpack It
My mantra for anger is, “I am not upset about what I think I am upset about.” In other words, there is more to your anger that meets the eye. Whatever the plot of your particular story, there is an additional subtext that deserves your attention. To dig deeper, ask yourself these questions, “Why is this situation painful? What am I fearful of? Which of my values are being violated?”
3. Use it Wisely
Anger is our inner voice letting us know that our boundaries are being pushed to their edges. Diving deep into self-inquiry at these times affords us the opportunity to do some core spiritual detective work. What we discover about who we really are—and what we will or won’t accept in our lives—can be used to make significant and sustainable changes.
4. Disconnect from It
Becoming a witness to our own drama allows us the room to step back and disconnect from the emotional experience of the human condition. We are more than our feelings. Give yourself permission to feel anger, as well as to feel the fear, pain, or anything else that exists below the anger. Then redirect your attention to the part of you that lives beyond emotion. Go for a hike, take a yoga class, feed your soul the best way you know how.
5. Hold it Gently
The expression and experiencing of strong emotions like anger can upset our status quo for quite a while. What we unearth in the intentional management of anger can shake us to the core: The stronger the anger, the bigger the change that is asking to be made, whether internal or external. Finding compassion for all parties involved cannot be rushed, yet it is essential to peaceful resolution. In the aftermath of inner and/or outer conflict, imagine your thoughts and feelings as a small cloud balanced between your hands. Your mission is to resist judgment of any kind. Observe; get intimate with what is. Hold it gently until the cloud naturally dissipates, revealing clear skies once again.
