- Did sex with your partner start out as a roaring blaze and slowly burn down to a few barely-lit coals?
- Is your sex life feeling a bit blah?
- Are your love-making sessions feeling routine?
- Is sex low on your list of priorities because it just isn’t sparking joy (or lust)?
Here are some tried and true ways to remedy this and ignite your sex life.
Try these and watch as the embers of your sex life transform into hot, flickering flames.
1. Put it on the calendar.
As a sex coach, I often hear objections to this: “But doesn’t that make it too routine? Won’t it feel like a boring work meeting if I have to write it on the calendar? Shouldn’t sex be spontaneous for it to be fun?!”
No, no, and no. Our lives are so filled with busy-ness. When I call someone and ask them how they are, it seems the answer invariably starts with, “Fine, just SO BUSY…” With hectic, over-scheduled lives, who has time for real connection?
Pro-tip: If you don’t schedule time for sex in your life, chances are, there won’t be time for sex in your life.
I suggest talking to your partner to figure out what day works best for you to have dates, and then take turns planning weekly dates for each other. Put these dates in your calendars, and note who’s responsible for the date. To accommodate whatever activity you have planned (a lesson, shared meal, etc.) plus sex, the date needs to be fairly long. Plan for four-hour dates at a minimum.
2. Create the mood to ignite your sex life.
Set and setting will make or break a great date and help you ignite your sex life.
If you want more sensuousness in your sex life, buy flowers and arrange them around the bedroom, sprinkle petals on the bed, light candles, put on some sexy music.
If you want edgier sex, darken the room and get out the sexy toys – maybe leave a whip on the nightstand?
Whatever your style, at minimum clean the room, put away the kids’ toys, pick up your dirty clothes. While sexy baristas with a mattress on the floor and all their worldly possessions piled up around it may have sealed the deal when we were young and carefree, most people grow out of this at some point. (But if you are into this, no judgment! A sexy barista is still a sexy barista, and the coffee in the morning is bound to be golden.)
Do this before your date, not during it, and definitely not while you’re in the midst of having sex.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable and tell your partner (in a gentle way) what is and isn’t working for you.
Encourage them to express this to you too. Consider taking turns, telling your partner, “My favorite thing we do is…” “What’s your favorite?” “The thing that excites me the least [or sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable] is…” “What about you?”
4. Slow down. Slow wayyyyy down.
Lengthen foreplay so that foreplay is most of the play. If you’ve been having twenty-minute sex sessions, schedule a session to last four hours, and aim for the first half being just pleasurable touch with no penetration. This may sound extreme, especially if you’re used to quickies before work or just before sleep. But a long, slow, leisurely love-making session can do so much to intensify your bond and build intimacy.
Consider the time an investment in your lover and your partnership.
5. No goal orientation.
Take orgasm off the table. While this may be a foreign concept to some, those who have practiced some tantra know how powerful it is to make love without any end-goal, no expectation of orgasm. Traditionally, “having sex” meant a session in which the man orgasmed. But what if we forget this outdated view and just think of having sex as a pleasure session for both partners, where we maximize pleasurable touch and minimize the importance of any end goal?
6. Use coconut oil.
If you’re in a monogamous, committed relationship and don’t have to be concerned about STI infections, swap out whatever lube you were using for coconut oil. (Conversely, if you are non-monogamous and rely on condoms for safety, skip this piece of advice and look for a natural and organic lube that works with condoms, because coconut oil or any oil-based lube will break down latex, rendering the condoms a pointless.)
The coconut oil should be plain, with no other ingredients. I prefer the kind in the grocery aisle – unrefined, organic, virgin oil for my not-a-virgin sex goddess self. I have very sensitive skin and find coconut oil to be the most soothing, least-irritating sex lube. Bonus: it’s edible! It does, however, have the drawback of staining fabric, so do be sure to launder everything well in warm water after your sex session.
7. Learn sexual massage to ignite your sex life.
Take a class with your partner so you can both lavish each other with expert sensual touch. If you haven’t invested in a massage table, do so. It’s an important purchase I recommend to all clients.
8. Explore fantasies.
Do you ever find yourself closing your eyes and imagining something else during sex? If so, you’re probably not aligning your sex with your core fantasies.
Be brave with your partner and get vulnerable.
Tell them the things that really turn you on. When you have solo sex, what images come to mind as you get close to coming? Those are likely your core fantasies. If you’re not getting to experience them (or at least getting close to them) in your regular sex sessions, you’re likely not maximizing your pleasure.
9. Make dates playful.
Have fun with your partner! Be creative!
Instead of dinner and a movie, think rock climbing lesson followed by sushi and kinky play! Getting to experience exciting new things with your partner will lead you to be more attracted to each other.
As you take turns planning dates, pick new activities each time.
10. Make sex playful.
If you’re used to having just one kind of sex with your partner, switch things up to ignite your sex life. Try new positions together. Experiment with changed power dynamics. Explore kink. Set a timer and take turns directing your sex session, asking for the things that turn you on the most (while, of course, respecting your partner’s boundaries).
Go on Retreat with Xanet Pailet & Learn How to Ignite Your Sex Life
Go on retreat and ignite your sex life in October, 2022, with Xanet Pailet, at Palmaia, the House of Aia, in Playa del Carmen, Mexico.
Spend Valentine’s Day, 2023 on retreat at Palmaia, the House of Aia, in Playa del Carmen, Mexico, on retreat and learn how to ignite your sex life.
Xanet Pailet is the best selling author of Living an Orgasmic Life. Xanet is a recovered NYC health care lawyer who lived in a sexless marriage for over two decades. After experiencing her own sexual healing and awakening in 2011, she transitioned her career into a full-time sex and intimacy educator and coach. Xanet believes that pleasure is our birthright and she is passionate about helping women and men find their way back into their bodies, their desires, and their pleasure. Xanet works with couples who are in sexless marriages and women who have experienced abuse and trauma. She helps them heal their wounds, release their shame, and reconnect with their sexuality. Xanet is a certified Somatica Sex and Intimacy Coach, Sexological Body Worker, Holistic Pelvic Care Practitioner, Tantra Educator and Somatic Experiencing Trauma practitioner. She is on the faculty of 1440 Multiversity, Ecstatic Living Institute and the Somatica Institute. Learn more: https://powerofpleasure.com