Learn How to Improve your Orgasms
What if I told you that one of the paths to bigger, better, James-Webb-space-exploring orgasms was to…avoid orgasm?
I’m not pulling your wanker! Really!
For thousands of years, tantra practitioners have known this to be true when it comes to how to have orgasms. Older, more traditional schools of tantra taught that men should avoid ejaculation altogether, because it would cause a release of the sex energy. Instead, they urged, people should keep that energy inside themselves, allowing it to recirculate, letting that energy be fuel for our minds and bodies. It was believed that to ejaculate and release the energy would cause a draining of the spirit. Thus, you cannot pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to orgasm-less jail.
What a bummer, right?
Modern practitioners of tantra have released a lot of these hangups about release, favoring a more moderate approach to orgasm. Today, most tantric practice doesn’t swear off orgasm. Rather, it involves a deepening of awareness of one’s physical sensations, focus on the breath, sound, and conscious movement (or stillness).
In my earlier article, Ten Surefire Ways to Ignite Your Sex Life, I mentioned both slowing down and also taking orgasm off the table.
I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but I promise: avoiding orgasm (at least for a while) can dramatically improve, increase, and intensify all your orgasms that follow. So how do we do this? Swear off sex? Strap on a chastity belt? No! (Unless that’s your kink, then Yes!)
First, let’s break down orgasm into its parts.
This is the stage where you start to warm things up. If you have femme energy, it’s likely that your arousal is a little slower and takes time to build. If you have more masculine energy, your arousal may be fast. Whatever the flavor of your energy, it’s best to start with your focus away from your genitals.
If you’re solo, you may want to start with self-massage, rubbing your chest or breasts, your neck, your scalp, then working your way back down to stroke your legs and buttocks. I like doing this massage with CBD-infused unrefined coconut oil. While you focus on touch and the sensations it causes, keep breathing deeply.
I highly recommend the breathwork practices in Barbara Carrellas’ Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century.
If you do this exercise with a partner, you may want to start with a tantric energy exchange, which I explain here. Or you can start simply by lying together, your bodies a few inches apart, maintaining deep eye contact and sharing breath. Loosen your gaze so you’re not looking hard at them, but open your eyes to allow them to see in. Ask your partner to do the same, gently opening to let you see into their eyes too.
Gaze softly, allowing yourselves to be seen by each other, and when the time feels right, kiss each other, sharing breath more deeply. Now it will feel natural for your hands to be on each other, but try for this exercise to keep your hands away from their genitals.
At this stage of arousal, if you have a femme body, you’ll likely be wet, your labia engorged. (Unless your partner is Ben Shapiro, in which case, good luck, you’ll never get wet.) If you have a masculine body, you’ll likely have an intense erection. Here you start to sense a heavy, hot, possibly buzzing sensation in your groin. Sexual energy radiates outward in your body. While for a lot of people (usually women) who have struggled with orgasm, this is the stage that usually brings relief. “YES! I’m close to coming!” But in this practice, here’s where we’ll put the brakes on.
Take your hands off your body or, if partnered, off your partner’s body. Take some deep breaths. If you have a penis, you might try holding your penis between two fingers and your thumb, squeezing at the base. Or you can try pressing on the tip of your cock with your thumb.
Keep breathing and let your heart rate slow a bit. This should take you off the plateau, safely away from the climax.
For this practice of intensifying orgasms, you can start over from here, returning to the arousal stage, sensing what you feel in your body and where. Tell your partner what you’re feeling and where you’re feeling it.
If you’re partnered, return to soft eye gazing, letting yourself be seen, and move on to kissing. If you’re solo, let your hands move back to your body, but starting away from your genitals.
You can keep doing this practice, sometimes called “edging,” to get close to orgasm but then pausing and starting over, building the sexual energy and excitement. Some people do this for hours, even days, letting it grow and grow.
How do you know when to climax? This is entirely up to you. You might give yourself a pre-ordained time limit, and say, “No orgasm until after ten p.m.,” if you’re starting at six. If you’re partnered, communicate clearly with your partner about if and when you want to climax. When you’re ready, go for it. With a very long build-up period, don’t be surprised if the orgasm feels distinctly different from past orgasms. It may be more of a full-body experience rather than isolated in your genitals.
4. Descent (or Refractory Period)
This is the period just after your climax. For some people, especially those with masculine bodies, during this stage you cannot be aroused again, and you require a bit of rest before arousal can happen again. For some people, this is just a few minutes, but for others it might be days. It’s not uncommon for there to be intense emotions during this time. For some, their emotions may be intensely loving, connective, and bonding. For those with trauma, though, this can be a space filled with uncomfortable, even painful feelings, possibly of shame or fear.
Check in with your partner to see how they are feeling during this time. And if you’re solo, check in with yourself. How do you feel? Where do you feel it? What does your body need now? What does your heart need? Give this practice a try and see what effect it has on your orgasms. Does it make them longer and stronger? Do you get to soar right into a nebula?
Xanet Pailet is the best selling author of Living an Orgasmic Life. Xanet is a recovered NYC health care lawyer who lived in a sexless marriage for over two decades. After experiencing her own sexual healing and awakening in 2011, she transitioned her career into a full-time sex and intimacy educator and coach. Xanet believes that pleasure is our birthright and she is passionate about helping women and men find their way back into their bodies, their desires, and their pleasure. Xanet works with couples who are in sexless marriages and women who have experienced abuse and trauma. She helps them heal their wounds, release their shame, and reconnect with their sexuality. Xanet is a certified Somatica Sex and Intimacy Coach, Sexological Body Worker, Holistic Pelvic Care Practitioner, Tantra Educator and Somatic Experiencing Trauma practitioner. She is on the faculty of 1440 Multiversity, Ecstatic Living Institute and the Somatica Institute. Learn more: https://powerofpleasure.com